“… the good news is that I got an chair with arms,” I continued telling my wife.

He perked up from his dinner:

“It has arms? Does it do your work when you’re not there?”

I laughed. “No, it unfortunately does not.”

“Does it go like this?” he asked. He flapped his arms in his best duck impression and said…

“Aflac… Aflac… AFLAC!”

The Lord of the Rings is completely fake!!!

The great story of the One Ring is nothing more than a bunch of Hobbit rubbish. Please follow carefully:

• Mushrooms grow in gardens.
• Gardeners frequent gardens.
• Sam Gamgee is a gardener.
• Sam Gamgee goes on a grand adventure after being caught by a cagy old wizard.
• Mushrooms produce the same effect.

Therefore, Sam Gamgee must have been doing ’shrooms and thereby made the whole thing up after a bad trip.

My Precious… We wants it!

When I was a kid, I used to play Matchbox cars (although some where Hot Wheels). Since it’s no fun to play by yourself, I’d often convince my younger sisters to join in. I would split up my cars, giving both of them some to play with – even my favorites on occassion.

Janet had one vehicle that was hers, the 1981 Hot Wheels Jeep CJ-7. It never went in with the rest of the cars. It never left her possession. It was never shared, even when she wasn’t playing.

It was coveted by us, as Gollum covets the One Ring.

But we were never allowed to play with it.

This Christmas, things changed. Michelle and I opened two identical boxes. Within, gently stored in bubble wrap, were our own Jeep CJ-7s.

Now my son wishes he could have a Hot Wheels Jeep to play with…

…but it’s My Precious.

“Why is everyone in the bathroom?” she asked, obviously frustrated.

From the bedroom I could hear the boys playing in our small bathroom while she was getting ready. Despite my mandate to support my spouse in all matters, I made a mad dash for the bathroom, yelling “I’m not in the bathroom! I’m not in the bathroom!”

SLAM! Our older boy heard me coming and slammed the door in my face!

My point made, I went on to other things. But a few moments later I could hear him telling Mom to watch the door so he could go look for me. Not being one to pass up a chance to be devious, I crept toward the bathroom door and waited to spring on him.

I grabbed him when he came out the door and pulled him into the living room. Leaving him there I ran for the bathroom, getting inside and closing the door just before he could get there.

“Ha!” I rejoiced. “How do you like that? Not so fun being locked out, is it?”, I said. I totally dissed him.

I laughed and opened the door to let him in. My wife rolled her eyes, and muttered about only getting credit for two kids when she really has three.

She should get a tax deduction for me.

To paraphrase Psalms 8:2, today I found strength in the words of children…

I was having a rough morning. The elder left his boots at his Papa’s, and there were three fresh inches of snow. The younger spit up twice – once on the carpet and once on the elder’s karaoke machine. All this and more made us late getting out of the house this morning. As I buckled the elder into his seat he asked if I was mad…

“No, just frustrated,” I sighed.

Then the 5-year-old gave me the encouragement I needed: “Dad, just let it go.”

I shut his door and as I got in realized he was absolutely right; so I let it go and felt instantly better.

“Are you less frustrated?”

“Yeah, actually I am. You are wise beyond your years,” I said. “Do you know what that means?”

“No.”

“It means you’re a pretty smart kid.”

My New Year’s Resolution, as it was last year, is to write more. My second resolution is to not keep my New Year’s Resolutions. Ha! Figure that one out.